Help for your Helpmate – and you.

Mike-the-Marital-counselor is back to bring to you some great marriage tips!    Marriage counseling is back in session!
I wrote a lot of this to a group of guys on a group where they complain their wives won’t meet their needs and this one guy is justifying going to a massage parlor because his wife won’t be intimate with him.   If you aren’t sure what that is don’t google it, but it’s the type of place that Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots got in trouble for frequenting.
I put a lot of principals in what I wrote that may be helpful here- male or female there will be something in there to help your marriage!
Disclaimer – I tried to make this as PG as possible, but this is meant to be for married folks only.
Here is my counsel:
Guys I just want to share a bit again as I shared above as well.
It can be hard to get on the same page sexually in marriage  – that is why “sex on demand” (porn, sex shops, affairs etc) can be such such a trap for us guys who are visual and don’t understand the way male and females arousal work differently.  For a man foreplay can start 5 minutes beforehand in the bedroom.  For woman, it might be 12 hours before with a gentle kiss with no ulterior motive in the kitchen- and if your wife feels loved by acts of service, doing those dishes might even mean more to her than anything else.
First know that ANY and ALL forbidden Sex – anything against God’s design – which is sex in a committed married relationship between one man and one woman – is LUST based – and it won’t satisfy.  It will bring more problems to the marriage.  A husband who is looking at porn even in secret will cause a wife to pull emotionally away from her husband more because she feels rejected in her spirit and “you” will then wall off more and be defensive and feel shame and that will cause her to reject you more which will cause you to go to porn more and create a miserable cycle until the wife has had enough.  If she catches the husband there may or may not be reconciliation but until the root problems are dealt with things will often just get worse.  The husband and wife may stay together but they will be distant strangers and they will only stay in commitment out of duty.  That is a joyless empty marriage.   And the man doesn’t see his contribution to this failing marriage, and that means that often times he will go the easy route- right back to porn etc to ease the pain.
Lust kills love. Porn kills love.  Jesus said if you look with lust you are committing adultery. Porn is adultery first and foremost.  You need to take Jesus view of porn first – and not the world’s. The world says porn adds spice to your marriage – well that might be true if that spice is arsenic.  Or cyanide.
 Now if I was looking at porn again or if I wasn’t loving – I would have no chance for intimacy.  Her heart is blocked off- so get help if you struggle with porn or lust and get victory over it.
Now let’s look at the opposite — when you are loving your wife and your motives are pure – let’s say I am loving or even CLEANING etc she may let that Block down and later there will be the green light for sex.  Regardless waiting for her is worth it- God’s way with your wife even 2 times a month is more satisfying than if you watched Porn all day long.
Porn kills love and can’t satisfy.   If you want help with porn- it has to go 100% – but you don’t beat it alone- you need God’s help and man’s help- I can help or there are online groups that can help.  But get help.   Email me at if you need help with PORN.
IF you are now ready to improve your marriage, you want to start depositing LOVE and her love language into what is called her emotional bank account.
I teach the 5 love languages (a book by Dr. Gary Chapman I believe) as 2 verb commands-
Think about what does your wife do that makes her feel loved?
Whatever it is Do it.  –
Is it any of these–
Hold me.  hear me.   show me.   give me.   Tell me.  –  do what one that she responds to the most.
And those 2 word commands are the 5 love languages —
Physical touch-   hold me.
Quality time-  hear me.
Acts of service- show me.
Gifts-  give me.
Words of affirmation.  – tell me.
Doing what makes her feel loved and appreciated deposits love into her emotional bank account- and as you are depositing she will truly believe you love her and respond.
Many times wives will seem to have IA- intimacy anorexia- which is an intentionally withholding of legit needs men have but if we are cold and indifferent to them- looking at porn, giving no hint they are our prize, if we wall off emotionally, we care about our jobs or our hobbies or the playoffs and don’t appreciate them- we can then wonder why they don’t want us sexually- but it should be no secret.  We reap what we sowed in our marriage.
Women are like a rose- treat them right they bloom and treat them bad they wilt.
But you have to keep watering them and keep ignoring the thorns!!!
These are painful lessons I too had to learn so know I am sharing things I had to learn the hard way!!
Your marriage will boom if you start planting the right seeds and doing the right pruning.
So start planting today!
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