I googled, “I am a christian but I don’t like people” and read a good post and this was the reply I wrote.

I am writing perhaps out of therapy for myself, and also maybe to encourage someone else.

It is a struggle, for sure. Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. And sometimes I can’t stand myself either. I think back to a great series a Pastor from Canada brought to our church years ago on the book the Velveteen Rabbit. He talked about being real. He said the hardest thing for Christians is to be real, but like the book said, when you are real you can’t be ugly except to those that don’t understand. But when you are real, you will get hurt. Your whiskers will fall off and your fur will get worn out and you will be in very awkward moments.

I have been hurt over and over and it’s hard not to pull back, and just isolate. I have my books and poetry to protect me- I am a rock, and an island never cries.

This week we had a week long tent meeting at church. We get lots of prayer time and alter time and preaching. It is very spiritual and you feel very close to God. They have free breakfast from 8 – 915 and they have free lunch after the morning sessions. I rushed the one morning and got 5 kids out the door and we got there at 9:15 and change and they had a whole tin of bacon and sausage just out of reach. So I asked the Christian server for some late bacon.

She refused. And spirit filled and full of preaching and God, I threw a fit and with clenched teeth said I got here as quick as I could, can i PLEASE have some bacon? And i had a strike of sorts and I could have sang the hymn I will not be moved.

I got my bacon. And after eating it, I went back later and apologized. My wife later in the week went up the girl and mentioned the incident, half joking, and realizing I was in the wrong but also impressed I made an attempt to reconcile things. The girl told my wife point blank “What is wrong with him? I don’t like your husband at all.”

Ouch. My wife’s health prevents her from going to church a lot. I am there all the time. When she comes, the ladies go up to her and ask what is wrong with me (I go to the altar a lot and cry. I am moody. I have some sort of spiritual bi polar or oppression going on.)

I have a call to ministry but people can’t stand me so I feel that I am not allowed to answer it.

I don’t know — but I think when you care, you absorb the hurts of everyone around you. I see lost and blind and cold people all around and see mission videos and kids around the world and kids with nothing and your kids you take to Disney Land and they whine because they can’t use your phone. It is hard. It is hard when you love people and they do the opposite of your advice, or you watch their kids for hours and buy their kids dinner and spend gas money and your wife has to pay them when you ask for a favor in return. It hurts when you give money to buildings and missions and others and you lose your job and people shun you because you must have sinned.

I heard Christians won’t forgive you for 2 things — when you fail. And when you succeed.

All that makes it easy to let your heart get hard and hurt.

We have to keep coming to God. I had this thought — if you remember Men in Black the movie. When someone saw something, they had to go and erase everyone’s memory that encountered whatever they weren’t supposed to see. That is what we should do when we mess up — apologize to everyone our anger touched.

I am an embarrassment to God too many times. I need to change. But in the mean time I need to once again say I am sorry.

And run to God before I run into people .