Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. — John 8:12

Sometimes I write when I have all the answers.  I am not a know-it-all by any extent, but there are times when God is clearly speaking to me, and I have a vision for what he has called me to do.  I have a song in my heart and a song on my lips.  I believe Jesus loves me and I believe you can’t out give God.  I have sermons trying to burst out of my heart.  I have too many blog posts to get out that some just fall by the wayside.  I witness to everyone that breathes and everyone we see gets a gospel tract.   I enjoy that season, but it seems a bit lonely as you are so far ahead of the pack that they would rather shoot at you from behind than try and catch up.

Then there is my dark season.  And it seems a bit lonely because you are so down and fall so far behind in the pack that they would rather shoot you and put you out of your misery than drag you along until you can stand on your own.

And my in season and out of seasons can hit in the same week.  I have yet to figure out exactly what causes them.  I blame the devil but it likely is just me.  Public enemy No. 1.  And No’s 2 through 3,998,232,124.

Never doubt in the dark what God tells you in the light is something Oswald Chambers shared in one of his daily devotionals.

Most of this post I wrote in the dark.  The only light I had was the glow of the Dell computer monitor.

I saw some light today and am still rubbing my eyes as I adjust to the sudden illumination, but I mostly want to keep this post dark and dreary for a reason.  First, you can see I am not this super spiritual saint.  And second, this may be a help to someone else.

In the light, I get the play in the huddle and I’m ready to execute.  For now though, the dark hits before I can release the ball.

I seem to never be able to go beyond that “ready to execute” mode.  I will be the quarterback in life sacked holding onto the ball when there is a wide open receiver down the field.  I saw him, I just was comfortable with my death grip and I was not about to let go.   I was scared if I threw the game winning touchdown, it might lift me up too much and I would end up with a multi million dollar contract and then end up rich and sent off to Disney Land and I would end up missing the Annual Tent Meeting revival and backsliding.  It just wasn’t worth it to get what I want but lose what I have.  So I am quite content with failure.  It is lukewarm, it is comfortable.

I might be able to handle success but higher levels mean more devils and that is one thing I really didn’t sign up for.  Once I seem to have the plan, then all you know what breaks loose and I see almost literally the devil and the flesh and the world rise up and come against me and I run the other direction. With my tail between my legs.

It seems that human nature reveals more of us think like this and that is not a good thing.  My hope is perhaps this will encourage someone they are not alone.  By of all things one of my more discouraging posts!  I think I am the only one with a certain struggle and I will find 9 times out of 10 others going through this exact thing.  I may be going out on my own limb here, but instead of someone hanging themselves off their nearest one, maybe my struggles will be exactly what someone else is facing.

And at least I will know who to address when I send out my pity party invitations.

My last pity party was cancelled on account of the weather.

And they were out of balloons.  So I had nothing to exhaust my hot air on.

There have been times when I ran after God with all I had and been scared at what I found.  Years ago I reached a point when I was spending so much time in the Word and in prayer that I literally was scared to get any closer to God. It was wonderful to be close to God but I also experienced such a clear revelation of his holiness it really scared me.  I backed off a bit and I never have reached that level of closeness again.  This time I might not run, but the challenge is I don’t cultivate the time with God now that resulted in sweet connections.  I have found life’s pace crazy now, and I spend minutes with God in the morning when before I would literally spend an hour and  a half just in the morning.  I ate drank and slept God back then and I tend to live now in discouragement, knowing in the good old days when I had a walk with God but no other challenges of life that I really needed his help with.  I was single, I had money, I had a full fridge, great health, I had 8 hours of sleep anytime I wanted it and I had little to test my faith.  Now I am down the road in life, married with 5 children who constantly reveal I am not as spiritual as I once thought I was, drained finances, frustration I am not where I thought I would be, and at times unable to go on because I see how truly ill equipped I am to handle life.

I am a dreamer. I literally have been given the prescription for revival.  I have been given some amazing truths about the difference between the Great Awakening Revival period and today’s modern evangelism.  If the churches in America could get ahold of some of the revelations God has given me, it literally would shake up this country.  I am not bragging, but I am revealing the dilemma that haunts me and plagues me.

I have the cure in my hip pocket right now.  Yet I don’t know what to do about it.  I have blogged about it, I have written about it, but that is the extent.  If I had some confidence, no debt, and an open door, I could go church to church in America and it could turn the world upside down.

Yet I think why bother.  I have the truth, but instead of confidence in the truth, I am discouraged at the attitude of who is holding it.  Me.

I have a dream.  When I was in the light season, if I shared this dream with 10 millionaires or 1,000 churches, I know they could invest in it and I would be free to live it out.  Right now I have an email address to a multi millionaire.  I could share my story, I could share my vision, I could share what I believe God put on my heart.  And see what he says.

I am not scared if he just laughs at my email request.  I am not discouraged if he tells me NO.

The reason I have yet to even attempt an email is I am utterly terrified though that he might say yes.

If you have seen the Pixar movie Brave, that is a bit of my heart.  I want to change my fate.  I don’t dislike my life as a part time pharmacist but I seem destined to have to go back to full time pharmacy work when something opens up and likely I will end up working Sundays and get further from my spiritual dreams.   I desperately want to change my fate, but like the movie, I might get more than I bargained for if I take measures into my own hands.  I don’t necessarily need a million dollars, but I think a million dollars can change my fate instantly.  In the light 10 dollars can change my fate.  In the dark, the reality is a million dollars will just cause more problems.  Whether I get the money or not, I first need to run back to the light.  The light of the world is Jesus.

What I see in me is that human doubting nature all too common in the Bible.  The 10 spies who were intimated by the giants.  Doubting Thomas.  Jonah.

I literally can now see the dream and vision that is before me.  And I would rather go back to my fishing career. I mean pharmacy.  I don’t understand me until I read that Bible.  I have been whining for years I want out of pharmacy.  It is a waste of time. It will not matter 4000 years from now.  I am literally a Christian Bartender giving out addicting medications on a regular basis.  Yet now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am like a moth in a bug zapper because now that I can see the bright amazing light ahead I like my small comfortable electric light I have been around.

My comfort zone.  I am miserable in it, I am not exhibiting living by faith.  I do not have my hands off the wheel of life.  I am not surrendered hook line and sinker.  I am white knuckling here and holding on for dear life.

Why?

I am afraid of getting close to God again.  I have doubts he will let me in.  I am scared of failure. I have excuses. I don’t want to upset the apple cart.  My wife is tired of yet another one of my crazy dreams.  I feel needed in pharmacy.  I freak out when I start moving forward and I see the devil closing in.  I like blaming my debt for not letting go.  On and on.

I am sorry but this pity party is just about over.  We didn’t even get out the cake.  We would have exchanged gifts but I was too down to do any shopping.

It is funny, I had my pity party interrupted today when we had to get ready for church.  We had an out of town Preacher today preach the Wednesday night message.  Everything he said was what I was going through.

I know he didn’t read my blog post, as it was only a draft.  He didn’t get a memo about my pity party details.  I know he was not listening in to my phone calls.

He was just the messenger.  Jesus knows all about our struggles.  And he knows what I am going through.

I will keep the minutes up from my recent pity party in case someone else is planning on having one anytime soon.

God knows.   Will I finally take Him at His WORD and know he is able?  Jesus Jesus, How I trust Him! How I proved Him o’er and o’er! Jesus Jesus Precious Jesus, O for grace to trust him more!

I sing it in the dark but believe it in the light.  Little kids are afraid of the dark.  I am finding I am more afraid of the light.

Maybe because I just don’t think I will handle the flaming baton right.  I could drop it.  Or I just might hold onto it too long and end up getting burned.   Maybe it is finally time to burn those pity party invites instead.